Victim or Volunteer Victim?

 I read something recently that said resentment is the place that marks where we have been a victim. I never wanted to claim the word victim because to me it was a word that screamed weakness and I was a strong woman, or so I thought. Yet, I had no choice but to claim it in the times when I had been verbally, physically,  emotionally or narcissistically abused by someone I loved. 

I had been a true victim when I became a survivor of suicide, after my 21 year old brother took his life in 1989.  Thinking about that, lead me to question the number of times I was actually a true victim compared to the number of times I had actually volunteered to be the victim. 

I had volunteered to be a victim when I was betrayed and didn’t believe them about who they were the first time and went back or gave them a pass on their bad behavior. I volunteered when I was boundary less and I allowed someone to be verbally or emotionally abusive more than once. I volunteered when someone disrespected me and I didn’t use my voice to stand up for myself.  I later figured out I was actually giving them permission to treat me that way when I tolerated it without consequences for them.

Volunteering to be a victim is a sickening thought but all to often it’s because the volunteer doesn’t stand in their truth. Instead, they sign up for cruel toxic treatment and abuse over and over again.  They go back to someone based on kind hollow words after the assault. They willingly volunteer for more pain and sorrow while all the while not understanding how someone could be so cruel, so deceitful and so hurtful. Their empathetic heart thought if they gave them more chances, eventually they would change without them ever having to stand up for themselves to do it. Sadly, that is not how it works.

An empathetic or codependent heart cannot understand how someone can treat people the way the toxic person does. This lack of understanding causes them to repeatedly volunteer for more when they feel sorrier for their abuser than they feel for themselves. They literally love the abuser more than they love themselves. The volunteer may even stoop to the lowest place possible by begging someone incapable of love to love them. Begging them for just one drop to put into their empty cup. This desperation causes them to give more value to the abuser and their problems than they have ever given to themselves. 

The volunteer will typically go back for the slightest crumb dropped and the tiniest bit of attention, whether it be negative or positive. Then when the abuser runs out of crumbs to drop and finally moves on, they stand in amazement and lack of understanding of how this could have happened and why this person can’t love them and see their worth. They yearn for the abuser to see the value in them when they cannot see the value in themselves. They are left filled with self doubt, hopelessness, endless pain, and the full understanding of rock bottom but struggle realize that they actually volunteered for some of it. 

The good news is there is hope, peace and freedom if you are willing to fight for it. The only place to go from bottom is up, so the choice is yours. What will you choose to do? Start now, look at your life. When have you been a victim and when have you been a volunteer? What will you do  the next time when you are at the fork in the road?  I’m here to help you find your way. You can start breaking the patterns now with a simple message or phone call to me. You are not alone. I am here to help you.